i before e except after c...
now if you recall that little grammar rule then i might be inclined to be impressed...dont worry, not that im teaching im not making this a teacher blog...however i do think that there are some grammar / speech rules that have either been forgotten or maybe just covered up with laziness and idiocy ....let s take a look at a few of these...
1) The Double Couple Meaning problem:
I was pumping gas the other day and went inside to pay and told the cashier that id like a "couple" packs of advil...to which she so redneckly responded...well how many do you want?...to which i respond ...A "Couple." ...to which she responds...." i know, but how many?"....to which im thinking..." hmm...no you obviously dont" know" cause if you did you would know that a "couple" always in every circumstance based on the definition in websters dictionary MEANS.....drumroll please.....................................TWO! and ONLY TWO. When i say couple you moron, im telling you the NUMBER of advil that i want." however i didnt say what i was think but i did respond with a smirk and say " a couple means two..so i'll take two advil." This is not the first time nor i doubt it is the last time ill have to stand up and defend the honor or the meaning of the word couple.
2) I lost my drivers license, can you help me find THEM? :
do what? im sorry, do you have more that one license because i could have swore that you said THEM when you were talking about your personal drivers license...??? i love north carolina but for some reason people up here refer to their ONE license in the plural. "Do you have your license, let me look at your picture." NC answer- " No i left THEM in the car." AUGHH. Unless you have like 2 or 3 different pieces of plastic that are called your license, then stop referring to that one piece of plastic as THEM.
3) Medically Speaking...
Recently i was in the hospital waiting to hear back about a family member and the Dr. comes out and talks for a little bit about whats going on and then in the middle of if all he says...."Medically speaking, i feel like this is the best course of action for the patient." Im thinking...hmm, medically speaking you say...well you did a lot of speaking before you came out with "medically speaking" so was all that other banter some kind of "willy wonka land" speaking. when you are a doctor and you are in a hospital and you are talking about my family member everything you say better be medically speaking! you dont have to qualify it by saying "medically speaking." That also goes for those LIARS who say "honestly" or "to tell you the truth." If you were being honest with me during the entirety of our conversation then why did you have to let me know that this next thing you are going to say is extra true....no most of the time people who say that a lot are people who are liars. It is their sub conscience leaking through or something. All that being said...Just tell me the truth when you speak to me and stop phrasing it with Technically speaking, or Honestly or Medically speaking or whatever . If you need those verbal crutches to qualify or enhance your conversation then most likely you have nothing i want to hear in the first place.
Wyoming?...Why Not oming?
Ok that was a cheap Groucho Marx joke from back in the day...( and by the way...what day was that anyway...was it a monday or a thursday??)
Why? Thats always a good question to ask. I think we start learning to ask that question at about 5/6 yrs old as our pre operational minds are starting form concrete operational thoughts. But this post is not about child development but rather that age old question...Why? Even as a brand new 27 yr old as of last week i still find myself asking this question to a number of happenings that seem to take place in everyday life. For example:
1) Why do i always loose one sock when i do my laundry?
I put in even numbers of socks along with other items of soiled laundry yet i always come out with an uneven number of socks. Not just every now and then but every time. They should sell socks in 3 packs just to account for that sock that is going to mysteriously disappear when i wash it.
2) Why do i spend $37.50 everytime i shop for groceries?
Its impossible to go to the grocery store and not spend at least $37.50. The other day i was shopping and i bought some toothpaste, sandwitch meat, tomatoes, and deodorant...cost: something dollars...ok, im sure there were a few other items, but thats usually all i ever buy..a few bathroom supplies and food items...grand total= $37.50.
3) Why cant i just order one item at a drive through window without being asked if i want to "make it a combo" ?
I may have addressed this issue before but for crying out loud what part of "i would like ONE crunch wrap supreme and a water" do they not understand? Would you like to make that a combo sir? ...no i would not like to make it a combo...so now i just keep repeating my original order...Im not gonna answer their combo question with a yes or no...im just gonna keep on saying" i would like ONE crunchwrap supreme and a water" until it clicks that all i want is one crunchwrap supreme and a water.
4) Why do people still think that kids like clowns?
Clowns are not cool or funny. They are scary. I was recently helping at a camp and they had a clown come to do a thing for the kids...well this clown was about 6' 5" tall and had this long cape on with this demented clown smile painted on his face. I wet my pants. Then they have that zany laugh that sounds like a retarded Pee Wee Herman. All said, clowns your day is done. Stop scaring our kids.
5) Why are most administrative assistants (secretaries) clueless and unhelpful?
First of all im not talking about my sec. she is great. But for the most part when i call a business or company or any organization for that matter i usually wind up having to deal with someone who is about 3 fries short of a happy meal. For example; the other day i was at a vision center at walmart across town from where my prescription was taken for my contacts. I told the secretary at my eye doctor to fax my prescription over so that i could fill my contact order at the walmart. Simple enough right? wrong. First she sent me an expired prescription after about a 15 min. wait. Then i called back and said, um yeah..i need you to send the UP TO DATE prescription. So she comes back and says she cant find it. I politely ask her to check again..10 min later she finds it...i gave her no new info the second time...what changed? anyway...she says, i'll fax it right over and you can get your contacts...fax comes in 10 min later...the eye doctor says, sir im sorry but this one dont have a date on it or a dr.s signature. At this point i was about to go crazy. I mean if she was gonna send a useless piece of info over twice and waste all of our time then she might as well have sent us a picture of two baboons playing pickup sticks in the middle of the road...cause that pic. would have had just as much of a chance to get me contacts as the other things she sent...at least if she sent the pic of the baboons, i might have gotten a laugh out of it...
Conversation Rules...
Conversation...whats that?
In the world where its much easier to send a text or myspace comment or email, significant conversation is becoming a lost art. I mean, why talk something out or have a meaningful discussion when you can just send a quick text message (so long as its not longer than 160 characters mind you)
It seems to me however that some people have developed their own brands of talking or ways to communicate. Sometimes these conversation "styles" are a bit frustrating when you are trying to communicate. I thought I might address a few of them and give us some guidelines to follow for future conversations...
1) The Me, Myself, and I rule:
This rule is for the one who loves to talk about their favorite person...Themselves. Its not hard to pick out this type of conversationalist...all you have to do is tell them that you are having a bad day, then wait.............instead of them asking about your bad day, this inwardly motivated person will immediately begin to tell you how bad their day was with out even letting you finish...you can see it in their eye. They just sit there with their mouth almost open, nodding to try to get you to finish, just waiting for the opportunity to spew out selfish chatter. Then they go on and on about how much worse their day was than yours. Here is the rule. If someone is talking to you...listen. Let them finish. Then once they are done telling their mess, you can follow up with question or comment about THEIR story...not yours. Then you must listen again after you have followed up. At this point you may offer advice or even share a similar experience as long as you are not trying to "one up" them or take this opportunity to spew your own mess. If they wanted to talk about your life then they would have asked you to tell them something about your life. They didn't. So be quiet. Listen. Follow Up. And Share.
2) The "Whatever" rule:
There is nothing that makes me want to check myself in to the local insane asylum more than hearing someone say, "whatever" in the middle of a conversation. That is the absoute worst response you can give someone after they have made a point. Now usually this term is only used in a conversation that is a bit heated and where something specific is disagreed upon and one person is making their case. Here is the rule. Don't ever under any circumstance respond to someone's statement by saying "whatever." If you are in the wrong, admit it and go on. If you are right, then make your case and come to an agreement. "Whatever" is officially stricken from all conversation. Let it be written, Let it be done...Pharaoh has spoken.
3) The Attention Span of a 6 yr old rule:
I can write about this because i have the attention span of a 6 yr old. Some would say we have Adult ADD. Whatever. (FYI: I just broke rule #2) The point is that there are some people (hansen, pj, and most riddlin patients) who have a hard time focusing when someone is talking. You could be talking to one of these attention deficient people and be in the middle of sentence and the next thing you know they have created a miniature Stonehenge out of the napkin on the table. These people usually don't give you much eye contact because they are looking at the fire sprinkler heads coming out of the ceiling and wondering, "how hot would it have to get for one of those things to go off and start spraying everyone, and if everyone were being sprayed how much different would that lady behind me look if her makeup were washed off by the spraying fire sprinkler?" If you find yourself in conversation with one of these "free spirits" then you must be very illustrated. You my even want to bring a laptop and have a powerpoint presentation prepared with cool transitions in order to keep their attention. But don't worry, when its their turn to talk, just sit back and enjoy cause you are in for one heck of a story!
4) The "you know what your problem is?" rule:
Yes. Its you... telling me I have a problem all the time. I don't have a problem. I may have a Situation that needs addressing and I would like for you to just sit there and here me out for once with out saying, " you know what your problem is...." How about this. You listen. (sounds like rule #1) I'll tell you whats going on. You DON'T tell me what my problem is, and you just try and be helpful with out making me feel like im an idiot. Could you do that? That would be fabulous. Thanks.
5) The "always and never" rule:
Its very rare that anything "always" happens or "never" happens. However many people (mostly women...sorry ladies but its true) like to use these terms when making accusation against someone. When you say " you Always do this" or "you Never do that" it implies that you have more evidence for this action or lack of action than you actually do. How about we try sticking to the facts and using real situations when making an accusation or claim. If you are going to make a hasty generalization then at least adjust your terms to "usually" and "hardly ever"...that may be a little bit closer to real life than "Always" and "Never."
Pride Cometh before the....
fall?...or the
stupid looking dreamcatcher/indian paraphenalia hanging from someone's rear view mirror...or tattooed on their arm for that matter...
It has always been interesting to me to see what people PRIDE themselves in...what people think about themselves...how people go about trying to represent what they value or what they think is indicative of their persona. Think of it as your own theme music playing wherever you go, well who chooses that music? What songs are gonna be played and why? What are you trying to tell us about yourself?
What is it that makes us think that we are a certain way or that some thing or some symbol or some song could be our vehicle by which we express to the world; hey this is soooo ME! But we all do it and we all see these attemps to express our self image to the world around us....
1) The Ride:
Some people express themselves through their vehicles. Guys pay thousands of dollars and put oversized tires on their trucks so they will never get stuck in the mud that they would never drive in because they spend even more money keeping those very tires super clean and immaculate. People buy fast cars or make their cars faster so the can project their image of being some kind of speed demon or racer...thats funny, the last time i checked, you have to abide by the same speed limit that i do and i also checked on cop cars...yeah, they are much faster than your fast and the furious wanna be ride and they will give you ticket...but im sure that they are impressed with your "paul walker" image. Others tattoo their cars with bumper stickers and sayings and all sorts of stuff that are intended to make me think a certain way about them. Im not gonna talk about the bullet hole stickers...there is an entire blog dedicated to that mess. "god is my co pilot" - good for you, but i didn't know that you were flying while we are all out here driving cars with tires on a road...maybe you should put that sticker on your airplane.
2) The Talk:
You dont have to be around most people very long before you can find out what they are all about...I love it when im talking to someone and i get that feeling that they are just waiting for an emphatic pause so that they can jump in and start on their stuff. Or the "my story is a little bit better than yours" talker. Dont matter what you say or how awesome your side of the convo is; theirs has to be a little bit better, and they usually lead into it with one of these: "oh yeah, thats cool, but check this out..so the other day..." then they go on to tell their better story or experience with you. Here is an idea, let me talk and you listen, then comment on what i say, ask questions about what i say and then once that chapter of time is over then you may proceed with your side at which point i'll listen and comment and ask questions on what you have just relayed to me. (sounds like the begining of a good blog called Conversation Rules..hmmm)
3) The Bling;
A western shirt and faded jeans dont make you any more country than going to mc donalds makes you a hamburger. For some reason lots of people think that what they wear says who they are. I guess im supposed to think that the little 13 yr old punk who died his hair black and wears camo jeans and a hoodi is some kind of tough guy...no i think you are 13 yr old boy who cant think for himself so you let whatever is on the Hollister model outside of their tiki hut in the mall tell you what to wear. Oh you got a eye brow ring, a nose ring, and your lip and cartlidge pierced...well good for you, just dont expect me to be scared of because you decided to make your face look like you fell nose first in an open tackle box. Most teachers have resigned to wearing those mom jeans( you know the kinds that come up to your neck and the legs are tapered and the fronts are pleated..specifically designed to make one as unattractive as possible) and sweater vest...not all but most. Most 20-something guys are trying to portray the "cool guy" look no matter if they are cool or not. The dress shirt, untucked, sleeves rolled back, dark jean, thick ban watch, and flat toed shoes. This would be ok if every guy in America did not wear this to go out...But i guess we are tyring to tell you ladies that even though we flip hamburgers at mcdonalds we will dress like we own the franchise.
Oh the places you will go...
yeah thats one of my favorite Dr. Suess books. And we have all been to places haven't we? we have been to more places, seen more things and experienced more life than most generations before us...
but some of the places we go have nothing to do with far off travel or exotic adventure... no, they are places that you and i have all been to and we may share some similar observations....
1) Your Local Christian Bookstore:
From the minute you walk in you feel like everyone is watching you...but i guess that should be expected from a "christian" store. Even the customers are looking at you...are they waiting for me to say something christian? Is this some exclusive club where i have to memorize a password in order to peruse the merchandise? "well glory to god" ...everyone who was starring is like, ok he is good...he's one of us. Now the good stores are full of christian trinkets...little doo dads and bells and frames and all sorts of things...(that rhymed) They have everything you could possibly imagine with some christian saying on it...Like i need a WWJD nail polish remover. But if i did they would prob have it. The very best CBS's (christian book stores) are even supplying the holy sacrament...that is the lords supper. They have the little shots of grape juice and the bread or Jesits as i like to call them. (d. c.) Everything you would need in order to be a christian...a christian supply store is what they are. From your clothing to your music, to your low budget movies to breathmints (spirit ments) they have it all. if you have never darkened the doors then suggest you make this on of the places you will go very soon.
2) Tattoo Parlor:
If you have never been to one of these places then i would suggest you go just for the experience of it...im not advocating nor knocking tattoos but its the establishment where these things are sold that's what is noteworthy. I believe that a tattoo parlor is the only place in the world where you can look through the pictures on the wall and see the most reverent pictures of Jesus and the cross or a trinity symbol or a crown of thorns...NEXT to a scantily clad woman riding a bumble bee. You look at one page of the most degrading pictures imaginable next to a pair of folded hands with nail scares on them...I think the most ridiculous picture i have ever seen was in Gaston Co. and it was a picture of Jesus wrapped up in a rebel flag. I am not kidding! But im glad to know that some body in G-town thinks that Jesus is a racist.
3) Your Grandparent's House
This is one of those places that you will go and it will always be the same everytime for everybody. You walk in and there is that smell. Not a bad smell, just an old house smell. You look around and all the furniture is the same....it was bought in the year 1973 and has not changed since then. There is a good chance that the tv will either be on the weather channel or TBN. You look at the frig and you see that they have updated everyone's picture; your cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews...everyone but you....they still have your picture from about 13 yrs ago. They are not mad at you but they just did not forget about the fact that you didn't call them on their birthday 6 yrs ago...and its their way of exercising power...they are the keeper of the frig pictures and you will get updated as soon as you call or do something to make up for you negligence 6 yrs ago. But i think we can all agree that this is one of those places that we love to go and want to for as long as possible.
Rooms In Hell (part II)
I liked that movie called "The Island" but i enjoyed it better the first three times when it was called the Matrix... (let that one sink in)
Rehashed material is never any good and I realize that a sequel is never as good as the first one but as promised in Rooms In Hell part 1(go check it out first before reading further) there would be more rooms to come...
so here they are:
5) The Boston Tea Party Room:
even with all the fire and sulfur smell and darkness and all the things that we typically assume hell will contain, i don't think anything could possible be worse than spending all of eternity with people with Boston accents. You walk in this room and at first it appears that everything is normal...there are people interacting with one another and then all of a sudden everyone notices you and they all want to talk to you about their day. However when they speak they have the worst Boston accent that you can imagine. Now let me say this....i realize that being from the south i may be a little biased and we get a bad rap for having a slower speech...BUT AT LEAST WE PRONOUNCE ALL OF OUR LETTERS CORRECTLY...Bostonians have gotten together and decided that they are too good to pronounce their R's. For example, one of them might say...Im going to get in da caaaa and go to the paaaak. WHAT? They were trying to say caR and paRk...but they feel that it is ok to leave it out...Not only that but they decided that their volume control should not come from their lungs but through their nose...combine these two speaking flaws and you have a room in hell that even the worst of sinners do not deserve.
6) The just enough water to piss you off room:
When you enter hell you will find room number 6. You will enter this room and as soon as you do you become health conscience and very thirsty...On the wall they have big vats of sweet tea and coke/pepsi products with huge abyss boy cups for your filling, however because you are so health conscience now you would just like a tall cold glass of water. But where is the water to be found? Oh there it is, it s under one of the soft drink dispensers...You grab the abyss boy sized cup and fill it with ice and go to fill it up to satiate that growing thirst and as soon as you get close enough to start your fill, this little teenager comes out from behind the counter and says, "oh im sorry but you cant use those cups for water, here...take this little thimble...this is for the water.." Oh but you don't have to go to room number 6 in hell to have this experience...just try going to your local Panera Bread, Jason's deli, Subway or any "health conscience" restaurant. You order this very healthy meal and decide that you would like a nice cold water to wash it down with...Should you decide not to purchase that 4 dollar bottle of Evian that they are trying to sell you, they will give you a tiny little shot glass/thimble to put your free water in...Im like what the crap is this? Oh im sorry sir but that what you get your water in...I guess its their way of maintaining the power and a way of punishing us for not buying their bottled water...You may not pay for that free ice water but you will by having to get up 37 times during your meal for your refill.
7) The Echo Room
this room is not a cave where your voice resonates off the walls and causes you to hear and echo...no, all there is in this room is one guy who has this sort of "know it all" look and he is just standing there waiting on you to speak to him. You two get in to a conversation and things seem to be going fairly well until you realized that he is not saying anything new or different from what you are saying...For example you begin to tell him how you died and came to this place and the car accident that happened on a slippery rainy night and how your car ran off into a ditch and wrapped around a tree...He follows that with, " Yeah, well, The Thing about it is...its hard to drive on a wet road. You are like...um...yeah, i know, i just told you that. Have you ever met someone who can never say anything new or original? They just always start off with that phrase, "Well the thing about it is.."then they just repeat what you have already been talking about. You might say something like, i love the new video Ipod, it holds 60 g of info...and then that person says, "well the thing about it is, those new ipod can hold more than the old ones....Hello, that was just clearly stated...you are not telling me anything new...Dont say, "the thing about it is" like you have some new angle or different thought to shoot at our conversation and we are all just waiting to hear it and then jsut repeat what i said. Well, The thing about it is, you are a moron and can't think for yourself...some of us are not in room # 7 but we see this on a daily basis.
8) The DMV Room
Ok this one is not a room at all and i'll tell you why. You don't have to go to hell to find this room. All you have to do is have an expired license or tags and you will encounter this place of weeping and gnashing of teeth. I heard a comedian say one time and ill just borrow from him (dane cook) said that they should have a big bald biker dude at the front of the line at the DMV, he will be decked out in all his leather attire and tattoos...when you get in line...he will just growl at you and punch you in the jaw. This may seem extreme but at least you know that nothing much worse could happen to you while you are in there...I think that the DMV workers must wake up in the morning and say, "how can i ruin someone's life today?" They must practice their scowl and grimace. They have inhouse training once a quarter on how to create a miserable work environment. No one has ever had a good experience at the DMV. It s just that some are not as horrible as others. If you are assigned this room when you depart then you must have done something really bad like make fun special olympics high dive competition...and if you laughed at that then shame on you.
My Family.
There is a shift that takes place in the mid 20's. It usually a shift from being in the family to starting your own family. All you married folks out there in radio land can attest to that. But for us who are still single as a can of pringles, in some ways our family's are all we really have. I have friends, fun, toys, social life, work, school, goals, and bills, but all i really have is my family.
For those of you who really know me this will mean a lot more but for those of you who are just acquainted or just blog readers then this will be some interesting insight into the most unique family that i know. Not to say that your family is not special...they may be, they may not be, i don't know but i do know that mine is and its worth writing about.
In an attempt to stay true to my form I'll break this thing down in categories. Each of us have our own little things that we bring to the table of fellowship. For example:
The father:
Deddy (yes that's how i spell it, you wanna fight about it?) is the best man i know of. He's not perfect but as far as im concerned he is the best dad i could have. Its so funny to me how diverse he is. He is as country and southern as one could be but he has a double major in math and computer science. He has forgotten more about computers programming that most of us could ever know. But when he gets home from writing programming language all day he would be just happy to sit in a deer stand till dark. For example, this Christmas he wants Home Depot/Walmart gift cards and an Ipod Nano. That makes me laugh. He is the most logical thinker i have ever met but can turn right around and tell a joke so corny or do something so silly that you want to just shake your head. At 53 yrs old
deddy is an ironman triathalete. (2.4mile swim, 112mile bike, 26.2 mile run) There are two people in this world that i would never want to get in a fight with....Nate Marriner and my Dad. They would both whip me like little girl. Deddy loves God and he loves Mama and us and i love him back.
The Mother
Mama is the sweetest woman alive. She could sweeten tea by just stirring it with her finger. She always knows what to say. She is a true Proverbs 31 woman. When i come in to visit i usually get in real late and she always stays up to greet me and then we sit up and talk for hours. She always has the softest hands. When i meet a girl i look at her hands to see if they are soft like mamma's...if not then that girl don't even get my area code. She makes the best potato salad. I know that everyone says that about their moms cooking but everyone is wrong. Even though her husband and two sons are ironmen i think she is stronger than all of us. She cant bake cookies very good. But that's ok. She has the cutest little short hair cut. She is worried about some gray hairs but its not that bad. She likes to cut grass on a riding lawn mower. One time we were all out in the yard and she was on the mower and deddy tossed a tennis ball at her and it scared her...so she waved at him with out using all her fingers, just the one in the middle. She prays often for me and my family. I love her a bunch.
The Brother
I love my brother. He is smarter than me. But im taller than him. We go back and forth in all sports to see who is better. He could have played basketball and tennis in college if he wanted to like i did but it didn't work out. He is a computer wiz like my dad and the only other person who thinks like i do about almost every topic. Hes not real loud and zany , that's where i come in, but one of the funniest people i know. He has a strong work ethic and is not lazy. He is also an ironman. One time when we were kids i made him so mad on purpose that when he told mama what i did he said, "hansen makes me so d%mn mad." He got a spanking for that even though i started it. Now days we go home and sit around the fire at night out in the yard and talk and cut up for hrs. We make each other laugh pretty hard.
The Sis-n-Law
Amy fits into our family just right...She brings her own personality and wit to the table. She is very spunky and smart. She and my mom are both school teachers so they get along really good. Amy has a big heart and love people. She is only 5' 2" on a good day...so she fits right in with my brother who is 6' 3" and myself at 6'7". But for some reason i don't think she is scared at all. I love amy and am very excited that she is my sis n law. Plus she helps me Christmas shop for my brother...not that i don't know what to get him cause we like the same stuff
All in all i just love it when i get to be with all of them together...its better that a week vacation in the Bahamas and i don't know that many people can say that about their family's...maybe so but i know i can.
